The Really Rambly First Post

 I want you to run down the beach as fast as you can and scream as loud as you want!

-my mom, circa 1977

When I was 5, we moved to landlocked Pennsylvania; my mom and dad grew up in an oceanside city, so my mom especially struggled with no easy beach access. She also struggled with me, a kid with boundless energy who never stopped talking, moving, or doing. On the first decent day of spring, she would drive us 2 hours to the closest beach, and encourage me to run, scream and play to my heart's content. She knew how difficult it was for me in winter to be largely cooped up at home, and it was a chance for her to have a few minutes' peace while I took the space to be my wild self.

I told my psychiatrist this story back in January 2022 as I was being assessed for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) because it was one of the childhood memories that made me believe that I may have been undiagnosed as a child. Looking back, my parents were great and stable, but I spent a lot of time feeling frustrated and "wrong" - I was temperamental, low achieving, easily frustrated and generally that kid in class that drive teachers to exhaustion. My parents got year after year of "She's smart, but..." from pretty much every teacher I ever had, so there was lots of shouting and grounding from school for not getting the grades I was capable of. And, because I was smart, I just figured that I was smart enough to know that some subjects were interesting, and some were just fucking boring. Yeah...teachers loved me...

I was diagnosed at the ripe old age of 49 and started taking Ritalin in April 2022 - one month before my 50th birthday.  I am from a generation who just didn't get diagnosed with ADHD back when we were children, particularly if you were female. In my case, I was pretty hyper as a kid and a teenager, but as I got older, it changed; these days, my "hyper" tends to be purely internal - a racing mind, intrusive thoughts, anxiety and impulsiveness (looking at you, 5 pairs of Doc Martens that I love and absolutely don't need).

Joining a couple of forums and doing some research pre-diagnosis, I found so many folks like me who have spent their lives wondering why they couldn't just do stuff like "normal people" - things like school, work, housekeeping and general life admin. I also know that like me, many folks didn't even consider the possibility of ADHD until one of their children was diagnosed. It was a relief to find those people! Hearing other people's stories is SO comforting for me - I have a fantastic husband, but he very often doesn't "get" the stuff that I struggle with - all the mundane life stuff comes pretty easily for him (which is why he needed me in his life - everyone needs a good dose of daily chaos!). So please, feel free to share experiences here - my goal is to create a community of understanding.

Since I was officially diagnosed (because honestly - I had no doubt about what those results would be), I have been really open with friends, my family and a select few colleagues. I am not ashamed! If anything, I am relieved to have received an answer to those questions about why I don't work the way other people do. I also think that we don't talk about neurodivergence enough in our society - it's still seen as "something wrong", which is bullshit, and I find it really frustrating that the world of school and work is SO largely set up for neurotypicals - and the only way to instigate change is to talk about it, advocate for ourselves and get strong enough to teach other people how we CAN work for them that also works for us.

 Just a few housekeeping details for your visit:

 This is my own personal journey. I am not a psychiatrist, so although I will discuss some medical-sounding terms and stuff (and try to post links when available), those things are added as a jumping-off place for my own experience. Please do share your experiences, particularly if they were different!

I run a safe space - I am actively learning and growing in my intersectional allyship, I will fuck up a lot, and will appreciate correction if I get it wrong. I also won't tolerate any hate directed at anyone, so make sure your comments/questions are productive and civilised.

Lastly, this will probably be the least sweary of my posts, because I love swearing, and don't get to do it in my regular writing job. You've been warned - don't come at me in the comments for my language.